Teddy

I've been around a while - twenty seven million twenty eight thousand eight hundred minutes, give or take a few. That's 18,770 days to this very day and over that time life has ebbed and flowed back and forth between good and bad, with everything in between. I can't won't complain about any aspect of it as the moments between my arrival and today are the sum and total of my life; complaining about any of it won't make the bad good and the good better; It's there to be lived as the alternative isn't very palatable.

People

Since the very beginning I've been surrounded by people; I came out of one in fact, my mum. There's been others though: Family, friends, teachers, colleagues, lovers, haters, rivals, compatriots, strangers. People, everywhere and all around me. A few I cared about and some not, some brought value and some not.

I had a few challenges as a kid, particularly when I went to school where I learned quickly that people can be hurtful and hateful; it tainted my view on people, helped me build character, emotional endurance, inner strength and a whole raft of other things that have stuck with me for life. It made me quite shy, socially-reserved and initially distrustful of others, even to this day. It also made me fiercely loyal, protective of those I value or of those who cannot protect themselves and a pretty stellar friend, to those I call friend.

I don't dislike people generally; I simply approach them with caution and hold to the ethos that they need to earn what I give them: Respect, trust, love and so on.

Things

Just like people many things have drifted into and out of my life. There was a time when I didn't need much: Mothers milk, nappies, a blanket and a few cuddles here and there. However as I got older I needed more and as I got older again I wanted more. I suppose that ramped up to a crescendo and there was a time when I literally got what I wanted when I wanted; I worked hard for that ability of course, but looking back I regret being that guy who thought about a thing and got it; It feels very wasteful in hindsight.

Fortunately I had an epiphany and shed that egotistical and materialistic nature and put in place a new reality where experiences and feelings became more important. Over the space of a few months a hike in the wilderness became more important than wearing a Rolex, sharing words and emotions with a beautiful soul more desirable than prestige cars. It was a life-defining moment for me and my life opened up and became wondrous.

Growing up I didn't have much, maybe that's responsible for the materialistic nature later in life as above, but felt like I had everything I needed. There wasn't much to go around after the important things were taken care of and that was ok; I made my own fun, was happy with second-hand things and came to greatly value the things I was fortunate enough to have that were bought new. I respected things greatly knowing it would be unlikely I'd get another and to this day do the same I; I have a need over want ethos which serves me well enough.

Over the years I've kept various things that have meant a lot to me, are cherished or simply too sentimental to let go of. I have done the same with many things on behalf of my brothers and sister also; I get great enjoyment from handing them to their young children. My stuff is treasured, all of it. I don't play with the toys or read the books but knowing I have them makes me happy.

One such thing is the fellow you see in the photograph. I never named him, but there was a time when he was my only friend; at times when I felt alone, ostracised and hated he was there to be my friend. If I could only have one thing it was this little fellow...A thing, but more a person to me in truth, or so he felt; that's how important he was to me.

Teddy

I can't recall when I first got my teddy bear; I can't remember a time when he wasn't there. I can't even ask my parents because they are both gone but what I know for sure is that he was a huge part of my life for many years.

Teddy would sit beside me when I played Lego's, or read my books; no matter what I was doing if it was inside he was with me. When I came home from school he was sitting on my bed waiting for me and when I got into bed each night he'd come too. A constant companion, a friend and confidant who never once betrayed my trust, treated me poorly or judged me. These days I'd say he had my six - A military term referring to a person who is there for another, watching their back.

If teddy could speak he'd be able to tell you my childhood secrets: The victimisation and vilification, the brutal beatings, my desires, thoughts of the present and future, fears, loves and hates. He'd make you laugh with stories of my boyish-antics most of which ended painfully and with failure; some successfully though. He would tell you about laughter and tears, pain and suffering, good and bad times. He saw it all and shared it all with me. A cherished friend. Teddy.

I can't recall when I put teddy away; maybe I was eleven or twelve.

One moment he was there and the next life started accelerating in other directions and he took a more passive role. I began working when I was still thirteen years old and things got more and more complicated from there...I grew up I guess. Maybe I just felt too old and mature for teddy.

It's sad now to think I put him aside so easily but as the true friend he was he understood I think. It was time for me to chase new horizons, to take what I'd learned and deploy the best I could, design and create my life. He was happy to take a passive role...But I never forgot him.

I was thirteen a long time ago, thirty eight years in fact, and you know what? Yes I still have teddy. He doesn't sit in a musty box either. No, he deserves better than that.

Teddy sits on my home-office disk; he stands actually because he has no hips or knees. He stands beside one of my other most treasured items from my childhood - A John Player Special Lotus Formula One car I got when I was a very young little kid.

Not a day goes by in which I don't see teddy standing there, ever-vigilant, as he always used to in my bedroom back when I was small. I don't talk to him much at all these days. I don't ask his advice, confide in him my fears, hopes or thoughts but for me it's kind of nice to have him there, a reminder of days past and good and bad times, my formative years, in which I began the journey of me culminating in what I am and who I am, today.

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The topic is: "Memories of things dear to the heart."