Gaslight or a flash light?
What is gaslighting and how can you tell if you’ve been gaslighted?
The next question, is if you have spent years or even decades being in any kind of relationship where you’ve been gaslighted, how do you ever trust your own judgement again?
I have been hanging onto and rewriting this chapter over and over for the last few months, queuing it further and further behind other topics, because it’s just such a massive one to tackle.
I’ve decided to split up my now 15 page article (it was supposed to be 3 pages - see my post on ADHD here 🙈🙈🙈: Mommy's Mental Health - Chapter 2: ADHD, Mogwais and Gremlins) into a few different sub-chapters within my mental health series, so you can tackle the different spheres of gaslighting with me, whether it’s happened to you at home or at work, with a family member or an ex-boyfriend/ girlfriend. I want to walk this journey with you and make sure you know that you are actually most definitely not losing your mind, and it’s ok to think you are. That’s what the result of gaslighting feels like.
To put it simply, Gaslighting is when someone pathologically undermines your perception of reality. They do this most often in an incredibly subversive way, and it’s so subtle, that 90 % of the time, you’ll brush it off. But after enough time of systematic and consistent psychological abuse of this kind, it starts to build up, like rust or cancer and it starts to eat away at your confidence in your fundamental ability to function as a person.
It honestly got so bad at one stage of my life that, and this might make you laugh, but my OCD was so terrible that I would get out of bed up to ten times to check if the stove was off because I didn't believe I was responsible enough to have remembered to switch it off. I actually got into the habit of taking a photo of the wall switch so that if I had the urge to get out of bed and check, I could rather just check my phone t put my mind at ease. This saved me like a whole hour of lost sleep.
From abusive family to romantic partners to friends and colleagues and even employers I’ve been gaslighted for as long as I was able to communicate with the world, and that is a hell of a lot of untangling that I have needed to start with as I reach the end of my 30’s and I grow into my 40’s and the very real realisation that midlife is upon me.
There is no more time for me to “figure things out” or “find out who I am.” The time has come in my life where, according to my childhood dreams and what was taught to me, I should be running a happy, healthy and loving family, I should have a degree in psychology and a wonderful career in music, I should have life savings to accommodate me in my retirement, I should be happily married and content with myself. But how can I do any of these things, or expect to have reached these goals when I’ve spent most of my childhood and adult life being emotionally abused by those who are supposed to love me the most?
Of course, I have also come to the realisation, that I can no longer blame these people for how my life has turned out, but I can stop them from hurting me any more than what they already have, and in most cases, that means massive boundaries and in some cases, it means the end of the road for the relationship. This is, of course, extremely painful but it's far less painful than just putting up with someone's systematic, almost psychopathic manipulation and abuse for the rest of my life.
You will find a million articles on the web about how to identify gaslighting, but where is all the advice for how to survive the rest of your life without sabotaging healthy relationships?
How do you tell the difference between real dangerous red flags and a healthy relationship?
How do you tell the difference between kind guidance and deceptive undermining manipulation?
How do you tell friend from foe?
How do you learn to trust again from scratch when scratches seem to be all you're made out of these days?
How do you trust your own judgement and emotional responses when you've been kicked, gaslighted and second-guessed your whole life?
How do you know what's rational and what's not?
How do you know if your new partner is being constructive and not being deceptively emotionally abusive?
How do you not let your past trauma and triggers ruin your future?
It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse to tell the difference or trust myself at all.
Most of the time I just feel overwhelmed with emotion and completely untrusting of my own perceptions and feelings.
Ironically, this leaves me wide open to abuse, especially since I'm so open about my feelings and past experiences.
But that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am here and why I’m so vocal about my mental health journey. I believe I am definitely not alone, and there are just so many - too many people who can relate to this.
My theory behind being so open and willing to share, is that no one really heals in the dark. That's where monsters grow and fester at the back of our minds. But is there a chance that I'm overanalyzing everything and imagining things? Are they triggers or red flags? Who knows. But that’s why I’m writing this incredibly cathartic blog, and I’m DEFINITELY going back to therapy.
Once again, I would like to thank my phenomenal partner, @ZakLudick for holding my hand while I learn to fly again. I love you endlessly and am eternally grateful for your love and support. Without you, I would surely still be drowning in the darkness. Thank you for lighting my way.
I’ll see you all soon for the next few installments in this series that will deal with gaslighting in the workplace, at home and even from your parents or siblings. I would like to clarify that I am not a qualified psychologist and if you feel like you are struggling to cope, please consult your GP, Psychologist or Mental Health Practitioner who will be qualified to advise you as an individual.
For fun, and because it's damn good, I do recommend you go watch these guys on youtube. I mean Disney got me into this mess in the 1st place, so for me, it's great to see these guys using Disney Movies to address mental health issues. They're ridiculously funny and they ARE qualified therapists. Well, the one is anyway💕
