It was Friday a week ago. I went on the first class of my 'experimental sports month' and tried Bikram Yoga. Remember: this was the first lesson of anything real other than some very controlled weight training after I butchered my foot three years ago.
I sat and stood in 40 degrees Celcius for 1,5 hours long and wasn't allowed to leave the room. I was allowed to skip exercises and just sit them out, focussing on my breathing. We did 26 poses, each 2 times, for a total of 1,5 hours in extreme heat and it was brutal. I couldn't do most poses and some that I dared to try I only could do half. I stayed in the room though, focusing on my breathing, my body screaming for water and a cold shower.
Even some exercises that were adapted to be made easier - I couldn't do.
I felt pain. I felt discomfort. I felt some emotions that resemble mourning towards the body I saw in the mirror. I was jealous of people standing stable on one leg. I felt relief that at least one other person sat a few exercises instead of trying to do them. But most of all I felt this was heavy and I came from a far far place.
The class was over, we were put in our last 'position' which is laying on your back on your mat to let the 1,5 hours sink in the body, and I started crying.
Real, embarrassing crying.
It started with two tears and I told myself they would go away. They didn't. They just kept coming. In the end I gave in.
I was noticeably crying a silent room of 40 degrees Celcius with all other students on their backs as well.
I just couldn't stop and remember at some point I realized if this was in there maybe for years now I shouldn't want to put it away. So I let it go, all the tears, probably some from physical trauma, some from energy flowing in different ways through the body, some from the realisation that I should/could/would've done this way way earlier? Or not? Probably not. But still.
One woman came to ask me if I was okay. "You will be fine", she said, her hand on my arm, consoling.
I went to the dressing room, showered, felt better, and another woman told me "It happens often. I once started crying halfway a lesson. Don't worry, you were brave today."
A few women nodded.
And then I felt relieve. Something was resolved, out of the body, thanks to that cleansing cry. I hated it and embraced it at the same time. Then I almost got emotional that I felt so good now. I did put away those tears, enough is enough ;-)