I'm not having a very good day today, my mood has dropped considerably. I hate days like this as my thoughts don't stop running through my brain. Most thoughts are bad thoughts. This all stems from the abuse I went through as a child.
I think about what happened asking myself over and over why. I did what everyone says I told someone I told my parents about the sexual abuse I was getting at school to be told by my parents Stay away from that teacher. Genius why didn't I think of that, all I have to do is avoid a teacher I saw everyday. Telling my parents I was being abused was a silly thing for me to do as my parents were physically and mentally abusing me, I probably added to there enjoyment. Parents are meant to look after and protect there children, sadly not all parents think that.
I am a parent now, if one of my girls came to me and told me what I told my parents they wouldn't have seen me for dust. I would be there at the school telling everyone that would listen and also have there abuse arrested asap. I will always protect my girls even though they are younger and stronger than me in always on there side. Then that drives me mad with another thought What was wrong with me, why didn't they protect me.
Fighting dark thoughts is tiring, its one question after another then on repeat all day and night. I'm not sleeping good as the thoughts keep me awake. I stop talking to people, try and keep myself at a distance. Hubby noticed when he got in from work. He had to pop to the shops for a few things so took the dogs out, made sure I had taken my medication. He rushed there and back bringing me a lovely bunch of flowers. Seeing pretty things, colours etc take my mind off Black, I have my flowers very close so that I can see them when the dark thoughts start.
I am in a dark dull space and the weather is matching my mood so no garden today. I'm not doing very much trying to do things that make me smile, play with the pups, look after my daughters Parrot and watch good things on the TV.
I am going to sit in the shower sit under a hot shower and hope the water washes away some of my dark thoughts. Going to have a pamper, a few creams and face mask to help me relax. I have to kick this depression in the balls with steel capped boots. Wish it would go away and stay away.
Thank you for visiting. 💟💟
