Do you know that feeling, that you have to do something.....but can´t quite remember what?
This story is just that.
I remember being told to write it but I can´t remember what I was supposed to tell you. What I do know is that everything I am going to tell you really happened, even though it may unbelievable sometimes.
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Chapter 53
That uncertainty was weighing very heavy on me, it took quite a few bottles of gin to deal with it and the anxiety it caused. I knew I was innocent, but why did they keep investigating even after the preliminary investigation had proven that what happened was just a boy meets girl thing?
Through Mindy and my lawyer, I got some updates every now and then, the most important thing was that they were testing Yella. And of course that was not a test they could do in an hour, it took months to finally get the results that would prove if she was competent enough to tell people what she liked and didn´t like.
Even when everything inside screams that you know you are right, the world does not have to agree with you. In this case, the world did agree, and that summer I received the test results telling me everything I already knew.
The report came back and stated that Yella was very capable of making up her own mind. It also made clear something else I already figured out myself. She had not been challenged by her mom while growing up.
Her mom was too busy raising four kids to give her that bit of attention that would trigger her interest in something. That resulted in a lack of general knowledge. The lack, plus the fact that the emphasis was always put on the things she did wrong became a catalyst for her insecurity. Which resulted in shyness and the ability to blend in so much that you did not get noticed.
The main thing was that the tests had proven without a doubt that
she was mentally competent. She was an adult, and nobody had any right to make decisions for her.
That test moved things into high gear. Her mom and aunt had made themselves custodians and had moved her into a center with people that were mentally incompetent.
Isn´t that great, putting someone who already is insecure about her abilities in a place with people that do need full-time guidance?
Because of the reports, they could not remain custodians. Yella was mentally competent and that allowed her to make her own decisions.
Of course, a judge needs to pee over the matter, and that judge points out the risks and pretty much was on the side of the mom, but could not deny the outcome of the test.
That was the best news ever, but still, the case of the false accusation was not closed.
And it would never be closed, as it was dropped three months later due to lack of evidence. Something that Yella and I could testify to since day one, as there was no evidence to justify these police brutalities from the start.
This whole endeavor had been awful, the stress of not knowing makes it very hard to empty the mind, but I was given plenty of time to practice, and practice I did.
In my cell, I had spent hours blocking out all the disturbing thoughts and opening up just to listen. It was close to impossible, but the solitude and many hours of time to kill allowed me to keep trying.
Those three days in that Dutch were the best. I was locked in my cell for about 23 hours a day, I was allowed to go out, alone, if I needed, but I declined. Now they say solitary confinement can drive people crazy, guess I must have been crazy already because I actually did not mind.
I spend my time reading, meditating, and sleeping. I felt that I was getting more and more control of the jungle of thoughts that had grown in my head. I had cut myself a pathway deep into the center of that jungle and found myself looking at a well, a beautiful deep transparent well.
I sat down at the edge and found myself in a state of absolute calm. No matter what would happen, this well would always be here. There was no more worst thing that could happen, I had imagined all of them.
There was nothing left. I learned that anything can happen, no matter how smart and safe you think you are playing the game of life.
I learned that in the end we are all alone, we are all just "I" and the worst thing that can happen is that we die.
Deep inside the jungle of your thoughts, there is an oasis of calm. It´s right there in the eye of your stormy personality.
It made me think about what I was truly here for, one of the African guys in Madrid had given me a little bible. Well, I can imagine how an epiphany like I just had will lead many to god. It might even lead me to better understand creation but not lead me into the arms of a bearded creator mentioned in a book.
Still, it is times like these that shape you, that allow you to overthink your life. Certain things became very clear. Things like how much I loved my son and how my busy life had taken away so many moments that I could have enjoyed.
Things like how special Yella was, how she was put in a horrible position and had kept her back straight while defending me. It would have been so easy to tell people what they wanted to hear.
She clearly had no other agenda, she was an open book, what you see is what you get.
Well, that was something I had not seen in years, the ugly layered so-called truths from my ex had made me doubt everyone. It´s not a bad thing to be skeptical about humans, they are treacherous.
So where many find the light, I found a well. What did this well represent.....the well of knowledge maybe, or was that too obvious?
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