Do you know that feeling, that you have to do something.....but can´t quite remember what?
This story is just that.
I remember being told to write it but I can´t remember what I was supposed to tell you. What I do know is that everything I am going to tell you really happened, even though it may unbelievable sometimes.
Hit Rewind to start from Chapter One
Chapter 40
"What the Fuck does she know?"
"She must be just out of the academy."
"This is true bull shit, why couldn´t you just stay with her?" Stephie exploded when I told her that my psychologist did not want to continue. I think it was the fact that it was because of her that made her the maddest.
At the first, I contributed that anger to it causing more work driving, and still not having any proof after all this time.
It took me a couple of weeks before Diana´s words started to resonate with me.
She was sending me away, away from what? It was not like she did not want to deal with me.
She made it very clear that I had to find me a place for myself, to not be close to Stephie.
Was she thinking that I was influenced by having her on the other side of the wall?
Because I did not care about that at all, I told her everything without even considering Stephie. I just wanted to get to the bottom of this.
Slowly the cogwheels started to turn. Stephie was always talking about me during her sessions. She got so angry when I was told to find a place for myself. Once she heard that she was trying to talk Diana down as much as she could.
She lost, she lost control. Someone was telling me to get out of her grip. Something she absolutely did not want to happen, but it was irreversible now.
It was happening for some time now, and this was just another sign and my eyes were wide open. Diana had told me without saying that she on the other side of the wall was trying to keep her grip on me. A grip that Diana did not think was healthy.
It took its fair time to resonate because when you are caught up in the middle of all this your first worry is, where to find a new psychologist on top of all the other things I had to do.
Things like liking a workawayer a bit more than was normal in the host/workawayer relationship. It helped that she looked like a girl from girlfriend's past and that she had a lovely British accent.
Stephie did not like her, she felt like the girl was mirroring her and could not pinpoint her personality. I think Sophia felt something as well and therefore did not want to be manipulated by Stephie.
Sophia was truly a breath of fresh air to my suffocating soul. Meeting her got me thinking about the agreement Stephie and I had made when we first met.
The deal that we had some room to mess around was never abandoned, but unspoken rules said that it was in the past. I had not been intimate with Stephie in a long time, I felt very closed off and somehow talking to Sophia generated these tiny sparkles.
At first, I thought I must be imagining this because I was twelve years older and here host. Stephie clearly did not see it coming because she pushed this girl onto me as she felt that she could not get any height of her.
Therefore Sophia and I often did things together and I actually enjoyed those hours. That had not happened in years, except for the walk to the office.
Stephie had a bad week so it happened quite often that Kyrian, Sophia, and myself would watch a movie. Kyrian really liked her, he tried to crawl into her multiple times. Sophia would look at me with eyes, damn those eyes, saying what do I do with this? And I would tell Kyrian to be gentle with her. On Friday night we had some shots of Vodka.
No not Kyrian, just me and her, when we saluted our eyes just locked and those sparkles turned into fireworks.
My mind did not let go of what had happened, I should but I couldn´t. Neither could she, our doing stuff together got more playful by the day. Our chemistry had set off those fireworks, even though we both were in the wrong place to celebrate.
Two nights later after we had walked the dogs hand in hand out of sight for anyone we were alone downstairs. Kyrian had fallen asleep on the sofa and Stephie was in her room where she had been every night that week.
After having a drink we looked at each other, we both knew that we need to talk, shall we go downstairs I don´t want Kyrian to hear us.
Downstairs we had a basement room. It had a sofa, a twin bed, and even a fireplace, which did not work like many things in the house we rented.
Yes, I admit, A part of me liked the idea of having a bed near and a sofa for just the two of us.
"You know we can´t do this, right?" I started. She smiled and nodded. "But it feels so good," I continued.
"It does, and I know you are married. But what are you doing with me?"
"You are the first fireworks I had in ages," I said while our fingers locked. We hugged and there was a kiss and a pullback.
"Sorry," I did not mean... "Yes you did," she said smiling and kissed me again.
That night we agreed that it should be left at that.
That same night I wished every second I was awake to hear her sneak into my room and crawl next to me, which she didn´t.
Then I went ahead and did something really stupid like telling Stephie about my feelings. I thought I did the mature thing by talking about the sparkles that Sophia had triggered.
Girl, was I wrong.
The freedom I had back in my DJ days clearly had faded over time, and I did not even mention the kiss. All I told her was that I felt really good with Sophia and that we had a talk about it, a talk that brought to light that the feeling was mutual.
I must have been so naive to expect Stephie to just accept it and say, well if that is the case have fun together exploring. Or in the worst case, that I should not even think about it and leave that girl at peace.
What I did not expect is her to go donkey crazy about the fact that I had discussed my feelings for Sophia with Sophia first. And yes, she had sort of a point there, maybe you should discuss these things with your partner first. Maybe I would have if I would have still considered her my partner.
But we're not gonna cry over spilled Vodka, I did not and that caused me to do something horrible.
Something I probably would have not even considered would I have known that six months from now we would be in a very similar situation.
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