Do you know that feeling, that you have to do something.....but can´t quite remember what?
This story is just that.
I remember being told to write it but I can´t remember what I was supposed to tell you. What I do know is that everything I am going to tell you really happened, even though it may unbelievable sometimes.
Hit Rewind to start from Chapter One
Chapter 29
Now again all of this is all assuming that Stephie did not play me for the fool I am.
But this Opa guy knew things about my mom, my dad and my grandma that Stephie could not know.
Like that my dad owned him a favor, and karma would require him to pay that favor to me. Which he did.
And also my mom was supposed to depart from a couple of items that were his, and she did as they end they ended up where he planned them, with me.
One was already with me since I was little, the other second I got for my wedding and that third took a detour and needed an additional 20 years but is now in my keeps.
For some reason, the plan had changed, and they had called up on Opa to set things straight. I had no clue why back then, it's only now that I am starting to get the picture.
Let me paint that picture for you. Living here off the grid was amazing, and I hope one day to return to a similar life but there were a few things.
One, I was offered to buy the house I lived in and the ground it stood on for a more than reasonable price. Unfortunately, my lifestyle had not allowed me to save up something that would come close to the money needed to get a mortgage on this place.
And my choices in life had not sparked any confidence in either of my parents to even think of backing me. In fact, during the second year off the grid, I paused all contact with my mom.
Secondly, Stephie's health was getting worse and the stress we experienced at the end of each month, or when something broke was not helping her at all.
Thirdly, I was still working with my parents-in-law but the relationship between my mother-in-law and me had turned toxic.
The good thing about that was that I was no longer required at family trips which left me often alone in the house on the mountain for a week, or even longer. I enjoyed those more than anything.
That´s the picture for you, poor dad living off the grid and enjoying his time alone more than the time with his wife. Clearly, this did not fit with someone's plan and they sent Opa to the rescue.
They must have known that I would not take advice easily and that he could be strict with me in a way that Sei couldn´t. And trust me he was.
He was unequivocal in his lessons, lessons that came down to two things: provide for your family and cut off that third leg. Now I am not sure to this day what leg he meant (although I think I have a clue but just thinking about cutting it off hurts). Anyway, my grandpa meant my ego.
Now EGO has 5 main ways to hold you back:
- Envy & comparison
- Entitlement
- Impatience
- Craving external validation
- Perfectionism.
The first was never an issue (I thought), and neither was the second really (that was correct).
It were probably 3,4 and 5 that bugged me and held me back.
How does the ego hold you back?
Ego can tell you, you are not good enough. Now mine did not do that, but as I wrote there was always that little boy waiting to be found out, found out that he was nothing but a big mouth.
The thing is most people are nothing more than blah blah, they just have ways to hide and make people think they are self-confident.
Even though I thought 1 did not bug me that much I did some comparisons. Me the little boy that looked up to those who seemed bigger, better, and faster. I did not envy, but I did keep myself small by that comparison.
Entitlement is your ego telling you that you're better than others.
I know I said I had no issues here, but I grew some weird type of entitlement living this crazy life you are now reading about.
All that weird stuff gave me the idea that humans in general are simple creatures. They have no clue about the bigger picture and are not making any effort to see it.
Does that make me better? No, it makes me different causing me to not like people in general and have a select few I like a lot. Not that I am a hermit, I am liked and respected but I do not feel connected.
Ego that tells you that you're in competition with others. definitely not me. I gave up on that in primary school where the kids were wearing $200 sneakers and mine were $25 but we all had to walk on them.
Learning that you need to run your own race instead was something different. Up until now, my life had been a series of unfortunate and more fortunate events. Events that I brought upon myself without even understanding that I did so.
I just barged through life like Limp Bizkit breaking stuff all the time. I was just rolling, rolling, rollin without steering.
So far I had been jumping through life like Tigger. A Tigger with a brain, that thought he could make it just on his wits. What I needed to understand was that life is not a competition with others, but with one's self.
It´s I, holding me back.
Yes, you need to believe in yourself, but don´t coky.
Have faith in yourself because you feel it in your core. You have a plan. A direction, you can envision and make happen if you put your mind to it.
My problem was I knew the plan but did not own it. I was coky, but not sure of myself. I was told the direction, but could not reach my core.
It was my friend Ego that was blocking me, and as you all know enough Latin to remember Ego is nothing more than I.
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