This is the first rant I'm adding to this community. I occasionally come across them in my feed and read them, I understand that it is cathartic to get it out of your system and may even present "ah-ha" moments to help reset your mind frame.
I used to journal to do that. I haven't done it in a while even though the last few months things have become tumultuous and somewhat tedious at times, frustrating, hard, painful in many aspects and I'd even venture to say torturous in some regards, I've been keeping my chin up and trying to focus on what I can do about any aspects of said situations, problem solving, focusing on gratitude for the ridiculously amazing people, experiences and friendships I have in my life, the opportunities I get to explore daily, the progress I make within my self, trying to spread a little bit of hope and empathy to my fellow human with a measured amount of grace - tonight I failed fucking horribly at it and I left a streak of handling my shit relatively well all things considered with a dull thud and that of being a rather pleasant person came to a screeching halt for a while.
It all started so well this morning ...
Even though I woke up at some ridiculous hour this morning like 1am and lost half of the sleep that I was supposed to have, I weathered that pretty well and got out of bed with a wide smile on my face. I entered a really fantastic morning having won the coffee posting contest in Cinnamon Cup Coffee community on International Coffee Day. What a freaking accolade that has been.
Important convos happened, potential new work came in, then I had to deal with a situation that had started on Wednesday. If there is one thing that leaves a bad taste in my mouth - it's someone insinuating that I won't live up to my word. On Wednesday I assured my landlady that I would attend to the repairs of a carport shade canopy that had torn due to strong wind. This shade canopy was not attached to the carport with eyelets. Nylon string was literally just pushed through holes cut in the material and then wrapped around the poles that make up the car port. This was done long before I moved in.
This is a fucking stupid idea!
Even though this area doesn't get severe wind very often, if you want a piece of canvas to last, you put eyelets in it dammit.
I have just spent 2hrs 44 mins repairing the tears in this canvas and while I started it in relatively good spirits, the longer I worked on it, the more my anger surfaced. The more my fingers hurt, the higher my irritation rose and my nerves frayed just like the material wanted to do. Alas, I carried on fixing the stupid thing because I had said I would do it and I keep to my word unless there are really good reasons for me to not - like a serious change of circumstance. I am not a wishy washy person and once I've committed to something, I will sort it out and get it done. I've never been scared of hard work or getting my hands dirty, I'm not a prissy or pretentious person and I've learned shit the hard way often, but I've always tried to use the negative crap that life dishes out (or that is sometimes even self inflicted) as tools for improvement moving forward.
This evening I was not the best me that I could be. I wasn't sunshine and roses, more like brimstone and lava. I read stuff that triggered me, I thought stuff that made me angry. Perhaps I needed to have this angry evening. I don't know. Suppose it's just testament to the fact that I'm human.
And yet, I didn't let it bleed onto my daughter. It's something I am really careful of - that she doesn't bear the brunt of negative emotions that have nothing to do with her. I had to explain to her that I was struggling with some stuff and that I needed to get the repairs finished. I helped her with some painting activities in between when I took breaks from the canvas.
Do I really have the right to complain about any of the issues I'm dealing with? This is a question I struggle with daily - don't negate your own trauma but remember that people out there have it loads worse than you do. I mean really, how dare I complain about the fact that I had to sew up ripped material? It wasn't the ripped material or the sewing, it was all the other shit underlying that culminating into one big clusterfuck of frustration and annoyance at this lady who doesn't know me from a bar of soap and yet feels entitled to harass me about a carport.
When I was done with the repairs, I was expecting to feel better, but I didn't. I just felt resentful. As a youngster I watched someone in my periphery become totally consumed by resentment and bitterness. It permeated into everything that person did and defiled all her relationships. It tainted friendships and caused isolation and alienation which in turn caused a lot of pain and feelings of betrayal and abandonment. It destroyed the inherent goodness of that person. A few years ago I had a massive life shift where I questioned a lot of fundamentals in my life. I had to make some very difficult decisions with long term ramifications, similar to what I am having to do yet again - now.
It was during the healing period of that traumatic experience that I vowed to myself that I wouldn't let those things make me bitter or take away my ability to experience joy. I've been robbed of enough of that I think.
So this evening I just carried on angrily because I needed to process it and let it pass through me instead of getting stuck in it. I wasn't going to deny it, I didn't act out on or from it, but it was there. There will be joy again, there will be a morning where I wake up smiling again, perhaps not tomorrow, but it will return to me because life is just too short to let small things (and asshole people) rob you of all the good stuff life has to offer even when you feel like you're at a low point. So I put on this song and quietly just uttered "For Fuck's Sakes" under my breath a lot...
All the power in the universe conspires to carry you
Truths you find through your adversities will defend you
As your powers and all your energies conspire to carry you
The adversary of your soul
The blackest thoughts
That try to poison you
These storms subside
Lay down your greatest burden
Relinquish that which has control of you
And let yourself through"
The kicker for me is: you know what would have possibly prevented this whole episode and all the pain that came flooding in from it? Fucking eyelets people! Just put in fucking eyelets!
Ranger Andy <.Rant Out.>