The unnoticed presence of social norms

Tokyo is far from the most easygoing place in the world. Many tourists love it but quickly realize that they don’t want to live here. I totally get it. If I wasn’t so good at finding weirdos, I don’t think I would be able to either.

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The good thing about Tokyo is that despite everyone trying to fit in, many people do a terrible job of it. You see this most clearly from 9 pm to midnight when the trains fill up with drunk people on their way home after work and a quick stop for food with friends or coworkers. Once their inhibitions are down, you see how willing people are to just lay down smack in the middle of the floor with their arms and legs spread out, not giving a damn.

If you did that in the states, well, some people would be terrified of you, some might try to steal your wallet, and you might even get in trouble with the police for “disturbing the public”. In Japan most people are so stressed that police probably know that if they put an effort towards stopping this kind of behavior, it would likely lead to other forms of crime.

Still, when people aren’t drunk, the majority are incredibly attentive of what others may think of them and do everything they can not to stand out or to do anything considered abnormal.

This is a stark contrast to other parts of Asia that I’m familiar with. You often see people go outside to the store in their pajamas or swaying back and forth and singing to themselves.

At first, coming from the US, I thought these people were not very self aware. Later I realized that while that may be the case for a few of them, most just don’t give a shit. If they feel like singing to themselves while walking home from the bus stop, they do so without any shame.

There are people like this in the US but in the suburbs we are taught to fear them. They are unpredictable and can be troublesome. But as I’ve come to learn, some of them are just fun and easygoing. It’s only the ones who can’t take a hint or who are filled with anger that really make trouble.

I realized going back and forth between these two worlds…there is so much social conditioning that we don’t even think about.

Even “manners”. Sometimes they are ridiculous. When I went back to the states from Asia I picked up my salad place to move it closer to my face. I didn’t to drip salad dressing on the table or to eat with my head bent over. In Asia it’s totally normal. My whole family stopped what they were doing and stared at me. They were baffled.

When I was younger I used to be incredibly embarrassed about things like forgetting to zipper my pants, or having to go to the bathroom (#2) when I was with friends, or even worse, a date! I worried if my hair didn’t look nice (yes, I did have hair at one point), and I worried that people would judge me based on the cloths that I wore. I was taught never to tell anyone my income. You can imagine how I felt when I was traveling and some people asked me upfront.

The more I move between cultures, the less I care about cultural norms. I know that’s not what you are supposed to say when you are the guy who promotes cultural exchange but it’s not like it sounds.

I try to understand the cultural norms. I try to follow them as much as I can as a sign of respect until I understand them well enough to know when I am breaking them and what feeling that gives people. I want to be exactly who I would be if I grew up in this culture, and not everyone follows every single cultural rule to a T. I allow myself flexibility and I don’t need to please anyone, but first I want to make sure that I can put myself in others shoes.

I used to try and be as Japanese as I could with a non-Japanese face. These days I just try to talk to respect people as equals and show them that they can be themselves with me and try my best not to make a scene. You can actually avoid most unwanted attention by not making a big deal of things.

I often use a rubber lacrosse ball to massage my back on the train. I have no doubt that some people look at me and say “WTF is he doing!?”. That’s ok. The fact is, almost no one is bothered by it because it doesn’t make any smells or expose the body (two things which many people are very sensitive about in Japan), and it helps me with my back issues, so I do it. I know I don’t look like the coolest guy in the world, but that’s ok with me.

I don’t wear a suit or tie or formal attire unless I have to either. I know it would make me popular among professionals and if it was nice enough, it might give people a good image of me, but I just don’t like how I feel wearing this stuff. It’s uncomfortable and a lot of work. I prefer loose pants and soft material.

I don’t wear clothing that fits with my social group either. That is specifically why Ive never gotten any tattoos. Too many friends have them. My feeling has always been like this:

If we have to look and act the same to get along, we don’t REALLY like or respect each other. That’s why it’s easy for me to have friends who wear suits and make lots of money or friends who are homeless and everything in between. That’s why I don’t have a problem with unfamiliar culture and can adapt easily.

What will you find if you search yourself to see how your environment has shaped your behaviors? Does it ever restrict you?

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