I was living in a city much cheaper than Tokyo once where I met a man on the street at 11 PM. I had just arrived and didn't have many friends and was drinking a beer on the steps of a department store next to the sidewalk. This man asked if I would mind company and sat down and spoke to me for a while.
We had a great conversation about life and work and the difference between different cities, and by the end of the conversation I asked where he lived.
"I live out here."
He told me that he had left his family and job because of a severe case of OCD, that medicine hadn't worked and that he believed that finding inner peace would be the way to cure his obsessive ticks. I was amazed. I could believe that there were people like that in the world, but it just struck me as so amazing that I'd run into one at that moment. I was also amazed because I had just come from a very similar situation, not exactly living on the streets, but outside of society with almost no money in an attempt to fix myself and stop being held down by the ideas that others had forced upon me.
When we parted, he gave me his phone number and I asked how often he checked his phone. He told me he checked it at least twice a week, he could usually find a place to charge it.
I thought about him a lot the coming weeks and after about a month I tried to leave a message on his phone and text him. No reply ever came.
A few weeks later I saw an apartment that was way too far from my work to live in but it only cost $30 a month. I decided I'd offer to pay for his rent if he wanted to live there. My rent was about $250 at the time, so it didn't feel like a big deal and I thought he deserved it.
I called him a few more times, but he never replied. I often wonder where he is and how things turned out for him.
In that situation, I'm was eager to give what I could. There are many situations where I am not so eager, and I don't think it necessarily makes me selfish...
A friend recently asked for my advice. He told me he wanted to buy a phone for someone he just met because she really needed it and he thinks she deserves it. I understand this kind of sentiment. I'm also the kind of person who likes to be able to treat people. His reasoning sounded sound enough to me.
The next day I came across a post by @zanoz entitled "Help me Help someone", about a person who is facing some difficulties. These two situations really stirred up those thoughts...
When to give someone in need? When to give a present?
It always feels good to give, especially when it's no skin off your back, but even if we have more than enough, sometimes giving isn't really the best thing we can do for someone.
I generally have a few things I think about when I give, whether it's because that person needs help or just to make them smile.
I don't like to give charity. I know this sounds awful but hear me out. What I mean by that is: I'd rather "teach a man to fish" than give him a fish. I won't give money out of pity. There are countless people you could feel sorry for if you let yourself, but I find that pity only encourages disempowering cycles. It doesn't mean I won't help someone out in need though.
Rather than show pity for someone, I try to see them as a capable person who can change their situation. If my seeing them that way is met with welcome, then often they don't even need my help, or they are willing to pay me back. If I give them anything, I make sure it's going to help them find a better long term solution. The only exception is when a quick fix will save them a whole lot of suffering.
I generally don't loan money either. I don't like the feeling of owing someone and I don't want someone to feel that towards me. It complicates relationships. If I give a loan, it's always with very loose terms and only to someone I trust. I tell them to pay me back whenever and I don't give them too much pressure about it. I definitely won't loan anything when I myself am struggling. I don't care how close we are. I just don't like the idea of debt. I'd rather give a present and let the other person give me back a present if they choose to.
I also don't give to people who don't appreciate. I don't need praise or even more than a simple thank you. I want to see people showing the same kind of kindness to others if they can. Whether or not I help someone in need is less about how close they are to me and more about how willing they are to care about others.
It's also really important that they can give to themselves. I know some people who give and give and have nothing left for themselves and sometimes burn out. This is exactly why I never feel guilty for saying no to a request for help.
I try to work with human psychology too. People are much more appreciative of things that they've worked for. That's why I'd rather give someone work then a handout. It's not because I think they didn't EARN it. I don't believe everyone needs to work hard for what they have. I don't fetishize labor. It's because our minds are tricky like that, and I don't want to encourage people to take what they receive for granted. This is also why I might be careful about giving a gift to someone I just met, like in my friends case. But it really depends on the person. Some people you can tell are genuine and don't take anything for granted. It's not about words, it's about behavior.
I like to give things other than money, things that are useful in their own right. Money is just a vehicle for energy, and energy can be found everywhere. We just recognize it so easily when it's in the form of money. We also let it go just as easily because we don't see all the other forms of currency out there.
Lastly, I rarely give to someone who asks. It doesn't feel good to say no, and so there is a kind of pressure that is being put on you when someone asks you for money. This is not an absolute rule or anything, but it never feels good when someone asks you for money, so I would hope this is everyone's last resort, although I am quite sure that it's not sometimes.
I give pretty readily to people who are putting lots of love into the world, supporting others, and following their hearts. I give to people who don't stray from their path, but who recognize the signs that maybe they should change their approach. I can totally understand the desire to buy a phone for a friend, whether they are homeless or they just lost theirs or if they are really working hard and underpaid.
I told my friend that if I were him, I might not do such a thing so fast, but if she seemed like a very appreciative person who really deserved it, if it wouldn't set him back and if he didn't have expectations, then it might be a nice thing to do.
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