Do I get lonely living in abroad?

Yesterday I went on Twitter spaces to try and initiate an English language chat with a bunch of Japanese followers. Somehow though I ended up having an awesome chat with @belemo about living overseas instead.

He asked me one specific question that I think a lot of people probably wonder about… something like “How do you get used to living overseas? Don’t you feel alone there?”

I haven’t actually thought about this. I think to some extent, I’ve always felt alone and so there isn’t a big difference. I have never really felt like I belonged anywhere and so it never felt difficult for me to adapt to a new culture.

There is nothing that makes me feel particularly American, although there are some things which may be a little difficult to get used to.

I’ve always had friends, but I guess because I used the internet to connect with them as much as meeting IRL, I never felt physically tied to anyone or anywhere. I also jumped around from group to group in high school so doing the same as an adult is just natural to me.

It doesn’t mean I don’t value having a group of friends. I just don’t have a habit of relying on the same people all the time.

When I go to a new place, I know that I need to make some friends and acquaintances as quickly as possible if I really want to connect with the place. I know what I like and what kind of people I get along with so I try to figure out where I can find them.

I also just try to talk to as many people as I can. I talk to almost everyone in the restaurant, not to a crazy extent but I try hard to practice my language skills constantly.

I try to learn whatever I can from the people around me, and try to offer as much as I can do it’s a two way street.

This is how I ended up making a lot of friends, just practicing the language. I ask silly questions or questions that I’m interested in the answer to and follow a grammar pattern to learn that pattern well. It’s inevitable that’s you make friends like that eventually unless you say some weird shit to scare people away.

My first few months to a year in any place are just about learning the laws of the land, and by that I mean learning how to interact. I become like a baby and just take everything in. There are certain things I’ll never do and certain people I’ll avoid getting close with because they put a lot of pressure on others and I don’t want to deal with that, but in general, I try to just be as similar to locals as I can.

Once I feel more knowledgeable about the cultures and what’s considered ok and not ok, I will bend the rules and start to do things my way a whole lot more. A lot of times though, I can mix my way with the local way and it’s most comfortable for everyone

Even when I was drifting around from city to city every 2-3 months, I never really felt particularly alone. I can usually find someone to talk to in a few days, if not sooner. In the worst case scenario, I will move to a hostel with shared rooms where there are always people to meet. Even if most people are travelers, they keep things interesting and moving.

I don’t really have any expectations, at least, I try not to. I just imagine that there is a way to enjoy any place I go and I try to find it. Usually it works but I have gone to one or two places which were incredibly difficult for me until I met the right friend a few weeks or months in.

There was an 8 month period where I was working somewhere that felt really awful to me. Part of it was my mindset about the place and comparing it to many other places, but part of it was the values of people who moved there.

It was a commercial center that didn’t have the same art and cultural aspect of some major hubs like New York, Tokyo or Paris. Most people there only cared about money. It wasn’t like money was a priority, they literally had nothing else. Local people were cool but they took years to warm up.

I made a few acquaintances but everyone was so extremely cynical and it was hard to connect to a local scene because I lived so far away from any local shops…only shopping malls nearby.

Now I know that having local businesses and some kind of relaxed cafe or bar OR just some traditional laid back shops OR a kind of open minded community are really important to me and I won’t live somewhere without any of those.

This is definitely a topic I want to think about more. I feel like I can give an even better answer if I put some thought into it and I think it might be of value to some of you who haven’t travelled much or people who travel a lot but never really seem to connect with the locals.

For now, I hope that will be useful to someone 🦄

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