Steps to Freedom

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I feel like I'm milking this situation, but I also feel like there are some things that are unsaid still.

I will give full and raw account of everything that happened during those 2-3 weeks. Yes it took me this little to heal. Not fully, but at least get to a very good and stable point.
I will omit people’s names, and fix some mistakes, but beside that, those entries are as raw as they can be. During that time, for some unknown reason, i was keeping two different “journals” - in reality just notes on the Iphone.
One was titled "Letters to the Ex" was supposed to be messages to my ex in the future, when we eventually would get together. (I put Black Heart 🖤 for easy navigation)
Second one titled "Surviving being single" was my own personal journey, where i could be as honest as possible with my own self. (I put Green Heart 💚 next to it, so it's easy to find)

Enjoy!



🖤 3rd March 2020 - Letters to the Ex

I wish I was as creative as you are and came up with this idea myself and earlier.
I don’t know yet when I will give you these letters but I’m sure I will find an occasion :)
As you saw the date of this letter, it’s few days before I leave after our 6 months together. We are somewhat shaky and a lot uncertain, you are for most part. I don’t blame you, I think in the long run this is a good decision. I just hope we are still together by that time.
You are absolutely incredible and these were great few months. Thank you for giving me a place I could call home.
We did a lot of fun things, we got into Magic, traveled around the country for the geek retreats, we had countless dinners with your family, seen a wedding and a funeral and had cozy night-ins full of cuddles under thousand of throws.

Obviously I don’t want to leave, but I know I have to. Both of us have stuff to deal with, and things to learn. And even though it’s scary I’m looking forward to that part of the journey.

You are the best, the best man I ever met and it’s so easy and comfortable to be with you, I know you see it as a problem, but I see it as a gift. I know you mean we should push each other more and I hope one day we will.
I love you so so much.


🖤 7th of March - Letters to the Ex

I left. It was our last day together both distance and relationship wise. Yeah that sentence was hard to type/write. My throat really hurts as I swallow my feelings. As coronavirus brings panic to the people, they stopped flying. Now everyone in economy class feels like they had 1st class upgrade. I haven’t had a proper think about us yet. I am sure I will properly cry soon, though more I write the harder it gets. I think I will continue this for as long as I’m hopeful. It feels nice to write to someone be it future you, or my future crying self, I can’t tell for now.
I can’t believe we ended. We had a good time at least I thought so and maybe one day we can have that back again.
Alright I’m pausing this is too much at the moment

💚 Day 1 7th March - Surviving Being Single

Numb haven’t processed anything, spent the rest of the day in planes. We texted very nicely as always. Couple of moments I had to swallow my tears. Watched a series and slept.


💚 Day 2 8th of March - Surviving being Single

Arrived at home. Called him when arrived, it was nice, I think he was very disassociated. Had to tell the news to parents as they picked up on the disappearance of the ring. They went in circles from being upset, upset for me, being hopeful for me and talking about money. Cried at night and went to bed.


🖤 It’s technically morning of 9th of March. - Letters to the Ex

Still haven’t processed much, feeling a bit numb. We were right and my mum did say I told you so, but it wasn’t all bad. Both were very sad, both liked you very much. They did ask too many questions and lectured me on the fact that I should have left after giving you the ring back. I disagree, but they wouldn’t listen. I do miss the ring though. Is it a weird thing to be upset about? Maybe. I hope you’re doing well. I love you so much, and wish I could tell you. I miss the invisible phone man and the tangible you next to me in bed. I feel like I failed, maybe because my parents blamed me for the break up, maybe because it’s my feeling, I can’t tell. It has been an insanely overwhelming time. I hope you find your happy. And even though I hope you’re alright, part of me wishes that you’re as upset as I am. Miss your cuddles.

💚 Day 3 9th March - Surviving being Single

An alright day. Jet lagged. Did my stuff, drove around a bit, had a chat with parents, got upset cried a bit, looked at the shared photos on messenger and found his reddit account name. Also I logged out of his email. He texted saying sorry about last night’s call, and that he was in and out of sleep after it. We texted a tiny bit about our mind states and tv series, told each other to have a good day.


🖤 10th of March - Letters to the Ex

I feel weird. I have a lot of feelings and the next second I feel like I have none. I want to say I miss you, and I do, but I don’t think I feel that way at the moment. Maybe I’m just blocking it. I had a small cry while driving, about your parents, they are incredible people and I wish I still had them in my life. I’m doing ok at the moment, I am sad but more often than not my parents take most of my attention, and I doubt it’s in a good way, but helps not to feel mopey during heartbreak. I’m afraid I won’t ever move on. You’re great and I mean it. I hope you’re well and on the way of being happy.

💚 Day 4, 10 March - Surviving being Single

I’m feeling alright. Have told few people that I want to be back and even though I really want to be back with him and friends i met there, I think it comes mostly with not wanting to be around parents.
I have thought of the way he hugged me and I missed his body and his warmth. Other than that I’m alright. Still haven’t met any of my friends. Talked with one friend, he told me more about meditation. I tried it, it went surprisingly well. Still having hope that one day we will be together again, but I cannot say if it’s my heart or my delusional mind.
It finally hit me, after drinking a bit more than my tolerance can tolerate and I could fall asleep fast enough, it hit me. I pictured cuddling him, but then it turned into so much more, a lot of questions, a lot of things on my mind. Me blaming myself for wasting time on him instead of Uni, but at the same time just being upset about him. I wasn’t happy in that Uni but I was having home with him in it. We used to say we can’t picture us being broken up, the worst part I still can’t.
I really think marriage option broke everything up, that was when he first broke my heart and maybe I should have left it there, but I didn’t, believing he is the one. The problem is I still think that way. It doesn’t leave my mind. Someone help me. I want to go back. I want him back.
So I ugly cried to the point I got scared, I’m either looking like a crazy puffy monster or that I’m going to choke myself to death.


💚 Day 5 11th of March - Surviving being Single

I’m sad, perpetually sad and constantly wanting to ask him a question “was it the right choice?” Still have the belief that he is the one and I will see him again. Also it’s thought I should drop soon enough. Otherwise I’m great. Slept a bit during the day and worked through the whole night. It was liberating and freeing. Me and my mom worked on cleaning her artworks and posting them to an online store. It inspired to make my own as well. It feels good.


💚 Day 6 12th March - Surviving being Single

Overall feeling good. Told a good friend of mine (Z) about the break up, he told me that he always thought I deserved better. That made me think that maybe that wasn’t too bad. I’m still thinking of him and feel like I want to chat but not too much. Quite often I think that during weekend he will get sad, I’m kind of hoping for that, it’s a bit irrational. I can’t say whether I want to go back anymore. I feel satisfactory. Met another friend today it was nice to see someone other than parents. I feel free, let’s see how the night goes. Finished 2 drawings ready to go for Instagram. And spent the rest of the night helping my parents.
Almost ready to fall asleep but I feel a bit sad, and wish I could get a cuddle or hear his voice. I don’t think he didn’t deserve me, I still wish to have him back. I want him to have some time and work on stuff but I still want him back eventually. I love him very much, and all of his surroundings.


💚 Day 7 13th March - Surviving being Single

First Friday after breakup. Woke up, ran an errand for my mom. Went to a bar and got tipsy.Possibly had a guy eyeing me for some time. Don’t know if I’m ready for anything any time soon. Last night I was thinking that even if mister right, mister the one would show up at my door step I would refuse mostly out of respect for my previous relationship. I think I still stand by it. Another realization I got to is that no matter what I wouldn’t come back to him, unless he figures his stuff out and sweeps me off my feet same way and more than the first time. So only if he makes the step and I mean huuuuuuge step then only I will consider it. Even though I miss him so much. I don’t miss Him. I miss the comfort and freedom to be myself. But towards the end that whole being myself ended quite a while ago. I was afraid to show my feelings, afraid to speak, to talk, to smell. It makes me believe Z was right. And I should just look and dream better.
Hope he is doing alright though. Kind of wishing he misses me and maybe texts me. I’m hopeless.


🖤 14th of March - Letters to the Ex

Hey, love. We had a nice conversation today. From it I took that you’re on the way to at least recognize yourself. I’m sorry to hear that you see no self confidence in the mirror, but I’m happy you’re getting more gentle with your own self as well. You wrote that you you don’t think you are a bad guy and that not everyone hates you. I would call it progress. I think you’re missing me and starting to feel sad about us. I know I am. In this letter I won’t be saying that I want us to get together. Definitely not yet. But if you’re reading this then we are now. I’m sure the journey has been hard and sometimes painful for you two, but I’m happy you guys worked hard. I’m only at the beginning of it. And there’s so much to do. So many issues to work through but I believed in both of you even from this point.
At this moment in time I’m working on my art, you were right about breakup being a huge inspiration, I don’t need to overthink on the subject and it’s sort of my therapy. My green monster ( I hope I finally gave him a name) is helping me heal and grow.
I will close now, I hope to write to you again soon. And even though I didn’t tell you directly, I love you so so much
Can’t wait to see how you changed.

💚 Day 8 14th of March - Surviving being Single

I have absolutely no idea how long I slept. Maybe not enough but I feel good though.
He texted. We had a heartfelt conversation even though he was stoned. He apologized for not showing me enough how much I meant to him. He is saying it would be hard for him. I believe it. But I don’t wish him to struggle with this. He seems like he is moving in the right direction. In the last days I only wanted to ask whether it was the right choice, but I didn’t ask him that because I think right now the best thing is for us to be separated. He really needs to learn how to accept himself. And I need to build up something on my own. Now more than before I feel hopeful that if we work on our things we could be great together. Yes future me I’m still wanting to be with him, at least with the future him. Maybe you think so too. Even though I’m firm believer in going through struggles together and I would happily stand by his side in any situation, this one he needs to figure out on his own. He needs all the time and space as possible. I think me too.
As of now I will be semi available, not chasing anything, enjoying my freedom and sense of self and work on myself, I don’t think there’s any point of dreaming better, I end up imagining him but with few additions, which I think even he is capable of, just not at this point in time.
Now I’m just hoping I’m not some crazy delusional girl with obsession.
I think this is worth a mention. After all that inspiring and uplifting thoughts, I went to a friend’s bar, it had too many people and and was very loud, so I ended up leaving early. Somehow I got very upset. Maybe just lack of sleep. But after a guy i know said “that’s good” about the breakup I went into overthinking mode and got quite upset.
Went to another bar, where i know all the regulars, but my tiredness and bad mood made the night unbearable.
I didn’t cry, but it felt like I would.


💚 Day 9, 15th March - Surviving being Single

Shit day. Slept through most of it, cramps and aftertaste of yesterday’s highs and lows. It got better after talking to Z and sharing my yesterday’s feelings. He told me not to worry, because if my feeling is correct then there’s nothing to worry and it’s meant to be. It’s weird how simple and obvious this is, but my yesterday brain couldn’t comprehend it. I also read a lot of reddit, tried to see any stories of people breaking up and getting back together. Didn’t find much, but I found a guide to be single. It was very thorough I even saved it. Main point - No Contact, I think that’s fair. Next time he will text me I will bid farewell and end communication. Maybe remind him of his drag name first though, we will see.
Also then on reddit found law of attraction subreddit, it was very interesting. People were saying not to manifest an ex, and ask for a soulmate instead, but if your ex is meant to be, you will be reunited. Very fascinating. I don’t know if I’m ready even to dream about a soulmate yet, I think I will give it a bit of time. I do need to find my soulmate, and I’m ready anytime, but I like having to process things on my own for now. Maybe give it a week or two. I haven’t even finished my breakup green monster drawings yet. Haven’t even posted most of them yet. So maybe as he finishes processing it, maybe I will look for it. At the moment I’m happy as I am and want to do my Instagram more than ever.
A small addition, I hid all of our and his photos. I put them in a hidden folder. I can’t make myself delete them and not sure I will for a while if not at all, but I rarely go to hidden folder so I’m pretty sure it’s alright. I’m not going to throw away the clothes. I love them and they have been with me for so long I don’t even consider them his. All the other memorabilia is scattered around not yet at the same place but I will soon sort it out.


🖤 16th of March - Letters to the Ex

He love,
We just finished talking. It was a nice call, but I had to cease all the conversation, it was a heartbreaking thing I had to do. I’m so sorry. If I didn’t we both would have a hard time healing. You told me I was cold and emotionless. I was a tiny bit, but it didn’t hurt any less. Oh how I wish we could be together again. I miss you so much. I just know that now is not the time. We both have stuff that needs work, my dependency and your self esteem and confidence. I do wish we get together again, more than anything, I hope I’m right and that’s the case. I’m sorry for being cold. It hurts so bad. The fact that I could never text you after today is killing me.
I want you to be very happy, I love you so damn much.

💚 Day 10, 16th of March - Surviving being single

Slept, slept so much. Slept even more, couldn’t get out of bed. Eventually I did. And He asked to talk later. Later came around and we had a call. It was nice to hear his voice. He thought I had no emotions, he was right they are very dull. I was very happy to hear him, but I also had to cut off the contact, that was heartbreaking. I cried after the call, not much, but I did, it felt like he did too. It would be too hard to continue if we continued talking. He said I need to figure out how not to be dependent on others that hurt, but that’s also the truth. I need to figure that out.
I followed up on our call, saying my last words, it’s killing me that I can never text him or talk to him or be with him.
We did a bit more texting. He admitted his selfishness in wanting to know that I suffered as much. And all of it ended in him saying there’s no point in trying it over unless something changed. I don’t know why, but at that moment something clicked in my mind, where I realized that I spent too much time on the wrong person. What’s worse I still wanted to be with the wrong person. I honestly don’t know what made me think that but I might have made a dire mistake through all this time. I think something clicked in my mind where I realized he would never want to be with me as much as I. He is sad yes, but the way he sees me and the relationship is way different than how I saw it.
I think he is great, I saw great from the start. I saw quite broken too. I somewhat like that. I saw comfortable and very warm. I am not wrong. But I’m wrong to think he is the one or even soulmate unfortunately. I think we work extremely well, and I think we are comfortable, for me that’s what I want, for him it isn’t.
Somehow I missed all of it. I’m glad that happened though. He showed me that I’m not a lost cause and there are people that can love me. He showed me what home can be like and that I really really want that.

I think I let go.


🖤 17th of March - Letters to the ex

Maybe I’m all over the place after such a long night.
Oh maybe I discovered that you were right all along. I think this will be that last entry.
You were right you didn’t deserve me and I foolishly and blindly thought you are the one. We have such a drastically different view of our relationship and I’m sorry for wasting your and my time. Same as our conversation stopped these letters will stop here as well. I don’t deserve a person who doesn’t think of me the same as I do about them. I’m going on to search for my soulmate, I’m going to work on myself
Thank you for breaking what was left of my glasses. I can see better now.
Thank you 🙏

💚 Day 11, 17th of March - Surviving being Single

I feel euphoric. And I’m so excited to be in the now and work towards my future. I’m a bit embarrassed, and I find it ironic, that the thing that he was scared about happened basically right after. I feel the weight lifted, but I’m a bit worried about him. And I wish I could tell him, what I realized, but maybe it’s better for him to get there on his own, even though he knew all this time. I wish him all the best, and I hope he is doing well. Maybe one day we could be friends :)



Afterthought

I must confess 17th of March wasn’t the end of my healing journey. It was a significant time, when everything clicked, it was then, when my glasses shattered. It was at that time, when my energy was called back and my thoughts were released to run free after being caged for so long. It was a moment of an energetic release. My soul answered the questions, and my knot was untied.
But I still had setbacks. Flesh has a way of remembering. It likes to be comfortable, it gets accustomed. Flesh has a way of craving, of longing. My physical being would get disappointed quite a few times before i fully heal, and each time it would receive something different or something that didn’t fit, it would send my mind back to the times of comfortable, times of used to.
But bodies, even though have a long memory, they could be communicated to. After some time priorities were balanced. Mind was sorted. Flesh memories started to disappear as well.
And one day. I realised the journey was over. I don’t know the exact moment, because the healing ends, when nothing triggers you anymore, and you can’t even remember the last time you thought of the person.

I remember one day i walked into my bathroom, and saw scattered bracelet on the ground. The bracelet i quite liked, that i took from my ex. It was on the floor, beads scattered, rope broken. I was looking down at them and that was the moment i realised it was over. The weirdest thing was I didn’t remember when or how it broke. I didn’t hear the sound, I didn’t feel it falling of my wrist. I didn’t notice. There wasn’t a connection to it, so it fell without sound.
At that moment i knew my mind was free. My whole being, my mind, body, soul was free, they all finished their own healing journeys. And it was finally the time to tackle everything else.
Finally the time to look inside and fix everything else in my life. Im ready.




"Steps to Freedom" is available for sale as an NFT on SignArt
Steps of Freedom NFT
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