Those few days of adjustments, were confusing. After the sadness and anger, came a time of silence. The time of quiet cries into the pillow, and a very mellow time. I think paired with being jet lagged, my days were going in a completely different timeline. it was surreal to be back. It felt unreal. But the time in England felt even more unreal in comparison. At least this time i wasn’t freezing. This was maybe the first time i appreciated the warm. It gave me freedom to lie in a starfish pose on the bed and be comfy while wearing a small top and a pair of shorts.
My days were very methodical, wake up, draw green monster, maybe if it’s on schedule - make an instagram post, help parents in the meantime. It was a time of mental hibernation, a freeze response.
I feel like it all sounds dark, but in reality it wasn’t. Yes, indeed, when i would be left with my thoughts they might have went in all kinds of spirals, but i was detached from them at that point, i was able to look at them from afar. Be able to observe the intricacies of my thought patterns, and be mesmerized by the shapes they were creating.
Even thought it was a freeze response, it let me walk away from the past, and focus on something that was making me happy. In that time, i didn’t feel a need to worry about anything!The mental hibernation meant I wasn’t bothered by the constant thoughts of my ex, or what my mum means when she says “you only draw scary things, as it is the fashion now”. I was letting it be, detached, i only focused on one thing in the world. “What is making ME happy”
Everything around me was rocky, so for the first time in my life, i thought as myself as the most solid piece, so that’s where i put all of my energy. Without judgement, without overthinking, without hurt, without outside influences.
I finally got the push I always needed, but got only through this “Lost Time”.
“What day is it? What time or month? I don’t know and I don’t care” - little green monster