The word of the week is “Equanimity”...where do I even begin with this?
As a published author and editor, I like to believe I’m somebody who has quite the lexicon. Imagine my chagrin when I was introduced to a new word: “Equanimity”. Something I didn’t know. At first I felt confusion, then embarrassment, then anger. So, you know, exactly the opposite of “equanimity”.
So let’s start with the word and go forward from there, shall we? “Equanimity” is defined as “the quality of being calm and even-tempered” or “evenness of mind or temper; calmness” according to Duck Duck Go’s dictionary feature. See what I mean about my reaction being the exact opposite of the word of the week? I’m writing a stream of consciousness so strap in and hold onto your butts.
I’ll be honest: equanimity is not something I’m known for. A lot of you, who have had the pleasure of having heated conversations or arguments with me, can verify this. I try to be cool-headed, and I like to think of myself as such, but I know deep down that equanimity is, unfortunately, not something I’m strong in.
I’m out here on my deck writing this and the neighbor is watering his plants. The water almost hit my computer; it didn’t; but I almost lost my temper right there … where was I going with this again? No clue because I went from calm to angry for no real reason. Actually I need to take a break and grab a beer or something because of the chance that my laptop was almost sprayed by a light mist. It’s coming back toward me again now … don’t test me, neighbor! They stopped right after I wrote that...cowardice is not becoming of a good neighbor.
downs beer
So equanimity seems like it can go in two directions: going from calm to angry, or vice versa. But how does one break out of that loop?
Here’s a personal tip: when I’m down, and everything is doom and gloom, I like to think about the best times in my life, and look at pictures of those times. That always cheers This Writer up.
The calm-to-angry situation, now that’s a different story entirely. I believe this is turning into an essay about anger management. Or maybe Zen? Same thing in my book.
Now how does one who does not display the virtue of equanimity handle anger management, or become more zen? I really don’t know the right answer to that question. I’d like to think a good portion of it is trying to take a step back and assess a situation for what it is. Did somebody really say something to bother your booty or did you just let an errant comment hurt your feelers, even when that comment wasn’t aimed at you. Or maybe you just misinterpreted the comment entirely. You need to look at the full context of things before you fly off the handle. And don’t fly off the handle regardless!
This can be hard for somebody who spent a lot of their developmental time in various forms of confrontation. You grow up learning to be guarded. But frankly speaking, I don’t think this some form of developed self-defense mechanism; I think it’s normal. I think learning to defend oneself is an important skill to develop. The issue is when you feel like you need to defend yourself from everything. When every small inconvenience becomes something bigger, that’s when you have an equanimity problem. Somebody cut me off in traffic: he’s a dick, but maybe he was rushing to take his pregnant wife to the hospital. I try to shrug this off as “he’s a dick” and leave it at that. Taking it 17 steps forward and you’re tailing the car going 85 miles per hour (or approx 137 kilometers per hour for those of you who use a system of measurement that makes much more sense than mine) and you’re past the point of “you gotta chill tf out, yo” territory.
I don’t have that aforementioned traffic problem, but I sure have issues taking criticism from people I care about. Or people on the interwebz. Or people who work for me. Or people on the street. I think words affect me more than actions. It’s the perceived disrespect that bothers me more than the actions of others (unless those actions are truly worthy of a stark reaction).
I’ve actually watched videos on “How to be Zen”, but it’s hard to sit lotus position and work on your breathing when life is flying by and somebody just told you they think you’re taking something too seriously. How do they know I’m taking something too seriously? What if it involves everybody and I just haven’t told them about it? Maybe something is eating me up inside because I can’t talk about it, and how dare they think it’s not a big deal...even if they have no idea that there’s a deal to begin with in the first place…
Wow, breakthrough on my end.
What’s important is the way you react to external stimuli. Can you have a conversation with somebody without interrupting them? Can you take criticism without getting defensive? Can somebody do something you find disrespectful without you flying off the handle? If you answered “no” to any of these, you gotta find y’er zen (or your equanimity), dude.
It’s all about how you handle situations that are uncomfortable, which is something I personally will admit in which I have some major improvements to make. That being said, I feel like consistent effort, understanding, and admitting you even are struggling with that are important in your improvement.
Anyway, that’s all I really have to say about “equanimity”: remember good things, calm down and slow your breathing, show people the respect you deserve yourself, and know that, in most situations, people aren’t out to upset you.