Punched Me in The Face
DOUBLE PUNCH
It’s sucker punched me in the face again. I’ve had a respite from it since somewhere around May. It snuck up on me last weekend. It started with this restless crawling feeling, this disquiet inside me. I was furiously shuffling through song after song, genre after genre in the wee hours of Sunday morning, looking for some solace. Nothing satisfied and everything grated until I randomly picked something I haven’t listened to in about five years, Empty Streets.
Settled in with that for a bit while I attended to a few things and had a longer conversation with a good friend. I’ve only recently realized how much we are walking a similar path. It’s funny how you can know someone for almost a year before something like that becomes apparent. Face palm moment.FRIENDSHIP
Welllllllllll......... he reminded me of several important things I needed to hear in that moment. Things I know; but, as always, it’s too easy to become distracted by the world and lose some threads. Are my jeans threadbare yet? Nope, just well worn in, like me. I went to sleep with those thoughts, let them sit in my dreams, whatever those were. I don’t recall dreams. I’ve set things in place so that rarely happens.
The next day, it was wake up and thoughts of what needed to be done. Yes, I’m a list person. There’s a long list in my head right now. I usually write things down in a notebook to clear my mind and to avoid missing anything time sensitive. This particular list is revolving in my brain, plus a bunch of other things dancing for attention. I ended up missing something so simple in my last post, assigning the cover image to an image, not a page divider. Twice now, I’ve done this. Not something I’d typically do, make the same mistake twice, and so soon after the first time.PURPLE HAZE
I had my moment of absolute aggravation with myself (all of five minutes). Who can annoy me better than I can? No one. Shuffling through another load of music, I finally pick a more recent track from early last year, Separated.
Then I let it go, walked out the door with music in tow, took a stroll, and came back to sit on the lawn on the side of my building to watch life pass by. I like to take a pause whenever I need to. I sat there still feeling that edgy restlessness. I had a silent conversation with myself. I want to leave this place. It’s been just over ten years of searching to bring that into still not being reality.LOCKED
I’m hearing from inside myself, “be patient, its coming, the timing, the timing, get yourself ready”. I have no clue what’s coming. I’m flying on pure intuition and choosing to step where that leads me. It’s just recently led me in a direction that makes zero sense logically, but I’m doing it anyway. Listening to my intuition has never failed me.
Back inside my apartment, I go sit on my balcony while looking out towards the trees and sky. I’m so lucky to have a view not completely filled with buildings. After a half hour, I come in to get caught up on some tasks, only to have the music rolodex start all over again. Into my head pops a very old favourite, Wild As The Wind.
This is the song that hits me hard. Listening to it touches the core of me. I only feel the need to hear it when I’m grieving. So there it is again. ’How are you, my dear friend, did you think I’d departed already?”, as the grief smashes me in the face and I sob while listening to this song.FAINTLY BELOVED
What am I grieving? It’s a long list. Everything, absolutely everything. I am letting go of one thing after another and just recently intensified that process. This is why grief is visiting me again. It snuck up on me because I’ve been distracted and stuck too much in the mind.
Time out time again.CARCASS
All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera and 90mm Tamron macro lens.