The first time I opened a dictionary as a child, was to check up the dictionary meaning of the word BASTARD
I wasn't surprised when I read that it meant a child without a father. I believed it. I would have been shocked if it meant something different.
I can't quite remember where I was born, or if my father and my mother ever lived together as husband and wife. It will be okay to say I never saw any wedding pictures, or even a picture of them together, and by that, I mean till date.
No one has ever told me the circumstances that led to my birth, all I know is that my father wasn't entirely happy that he was saddled with the responsibility of catering for me, for a child he wasn't sure was his.
I know this because, for every glass that fell off my hands and broke, came my new name BASTARD, accompanied by whips from electric wire, leaving me physical and emotional scars to this day.
I saw a post one day on Facebook, a young man wrote, thanking his father for all the beatings he gave him while he was growing up, he further stated that those beatings shaped him into becoming who he is.
I felt happy, that someone could talk about his father's beatings shaping him, I wish mine were just beatings, I wish they didn't come with vile utterances and verbal abuses that torment me at night even now that I have become an adult.
" I don't know where your mother got pregnancy from and brought to me", this statement became a favorite song that has been put on an everlasting repeat.
Now, don't get me wrong. I never went hungry even for a day. There was always plenty to eat.
But where can one, whose soul constantly sought solitude get the appetite to eat? Food tasted bitter and water became vinegar.
Living in constant fear and anticipating the next beating, the next BASTARD and the next " pack your bags, you are going back to your mother".
I went to the best schools, I was considered a rich kid, but not once did I open my mouth to ask for what other kids had, that I wanted.
I would hide in the toilet and rehearse the lines with which I would ask my father when he comes back, only to mumble words and stutter until he went to bed, I couldn't say a word.
The sound of my father's car as he drove into the compound would send shivers down my spine and urine trickling down my thighs when I was sure I did nothing wrong.
I wore the best clothes, we went by McDonalds every Sunday, and Pizza was as frequent as breakfast, but somehow, it never took away the bitterness in my heart.
The loneliness. The fear and emptiness. It was just " welcomes and good mornings".
The longest discussions happened when someone comes looking for my father and I had to tell him, this was something I always wanted to happen, it deluded me to think that it could bring us closer.
It didn't.
It took me years, to learn to not be afraid of my dad, even as an adult, I remember I still got startled if he came into a room I was in unannounced.
It's impossible to imagine a family in which Causality doesn't affect, especially when we talk about the relationship between the children and their parents.
A lot of parents, out of the good and sacrifice of their hearts, think that providing food, shelter, clothing, and putting a child through school is all a child desires.
No emotional connection.
There are parents, especially fathers, who have never communicated with their children about anything.
They know nothing about their children. What they like, what they want.
A father is supposed to be the pillar of the emotional wellbeing of his child, no matter the circumstances surrounding the child's birth.
Some children grow up wishing they were aborted when they got conceived.
Keep in mind that it is very impossible to distort the internalized relational layout that forms when children are quite young.
While it is possible, it often takes high levels of wisdom, as well as a crucial psychotherapeutic intervention to change these deep-rooted and often unconscious mental pathways.
When a child feels out of place in his father's house, there is a tendency for that child to feel inadequate or unaccepted.
They go into society and can't stand up for themselves, they become loners and marry depression, and guess the effect this emotional trauma has on the society at large.
A father is supposed to stimulate inner growth and strength in a child, according to studies, when fathers are affectionate and supportive, it greatly affects a child’s cognitive and social development. It also instills an overall sense of well-being, belonging, and self-confidence.
How would a thing like that happen when a father calls the child a bastard at the slightest provocation because he probably wasn't ready for a child at the time of the immaculate conception?
It took me a greater part of my adult years to get over the trauma that came with having to come from a broken home.
I forgave everyone and moved on with my life, picking up the little pieces that were left until I found my voice, my identity, and my path.
Fathers do not only impact who we are inside, but how we have bonds with people as we grow. The way a father treats his child will impact what he or she looks for in other people.
Friends, lovers, and spouses will all be chosen based on how the child perceived the meaning of the relationship with his or her father. The patterns a father sets in the relationships with his children will dictate how his children relate with other people.
A child that is raised in an abusive home is a threat to societal growth.
The function of a father in the family is extremely important to their child or children's psychological and physical wellbeing. When a child has a decent relationship with a father figure, they tend to grow up to have higher levels of psychological health, as well as better quality relationships.
The things that are said to a child as he grows up, would reflect in the life of an adult, an adult who was that child.
It leads me to the point where I state that being in a romantic relationship is one thing, another thing is understanding that a child might be the result in the process.
Sometimes a child you are not prepared for.
Question is...
Are you ready to be a father?
Are you ready to mother?
What will the effect of your parenting be on your children?
What direction will Causality be taking in the course of your parental relationship?
If you were to be divorced, will that be the end of your child's or children's happiness?
Are you ready to deal with the frustration from the current hike in commodities, such as baby diapers?
Will you be humane enough not to vent or transfer aggression on the innocent infant, knowing that how you act, and what you say around him might haunt him for years?
Don't bring a child into this world if you won't talk to that child, if there is not going to be something as affordable as communication and emotional connection between you and that child, then lets God's creation be.
The world is already filled with too many lonely kids, roaming the streets, with no father figures or role models, because their parents didn't have the time to decided if they wanted to be parents.
It is easier to raise strong children than to repair broken men.
I repaired my broken self.
If you watch closely, you will notice the Causality that rides the street in the form of broken men and children
Those who couldn't repair their broken selves are the reasons some of us don't sleep at night.
Others have been so disconnected that they sought succor outside and met their untimely end.
Watch out for the cause of your outburst in the presence of your children, and reflect upon the effect it has on them.
You should aim at leaving this world better than you met it and not worse.
Let's raise strong children together if we must bring them into the world.