from: Brandt Uriah McPoorman
to: The Money Tree
date: Aug 28, 2021, 5:43 PM
subject: Regarding the lack of money growing on you
Dear Money Tree:
It has come to my attention that you are no longer producing the money I've come to rely on as my primary source of income.
As I'm sure you can imagine, this is unacceptable for several reasons.
First and foremost, without access to a steady harvest of tens, twenties, and hundreds, I will be unable to purchase the vast amounts of alcohol I require to properly and respectably lead the life of an unemployed writer.
Further, if my wallet remains as empty as my heart for too much longer, the fuel in my vehicle's gas tank will run dry, and I will be forced to make the long journey from my tent in the woods down into town on foot. Such a tiresome trip would sap my energy and make it that much more difficult to focus on my thankless daily task of sitting in the local café from open to close, drinking coffee and not writing.
Finally, for lack of the cash your branches have failed to provide for nearly a week now, I will soon find myself cut off from my customary banquet of fine meats and cheeses, and exotic fruits and breads, and deluxe chocolates and truffles and sweets, which are essential for keeping my prodigious mind and unparalleled genius healthy and well-nourished, just in case I ever get a job and need to start using them again someday.
I trust this email will be a sufficient reminder of your due responsibility to enable my lazy, irresponsible lifestyle.
Should you continue to refuse to bear the fruits of my non-labor, I will not hesitate to take additional steps as necessary, up to and including retaining an arborist and serving you with a summons to the arboretum where the laws of nature shall settle this matter once and for all.
Please also be advised that I own a chainsaw.
B. U. M.