We sat down with our 13yo today to talk about mood swings. The goal was determining
- What are the precursors? In other words, can she see them coming?
- How can we help?
It sounds like my girl is a lot like me: She needs to follow through on one thing before having another introduced. This weekend it was about chores. She completed one task and was asked to do another. When she tried to complete it--taking the garbage out--the bag was too heavy. She needed help but felt afraid to ask for it and got frustrated. She was trying to knock the job out when we asked what was up. Basically, she was dragging a garbage bag across the carpet. Her response was to burst into tears and run to her room, leaving the bag halfway through the living room on the way to the front door.
We, the adults, did not see this coming. We let it go in the moment, took the trash out and waited a day to ask her about it. Our assumption (and I really should say my wife's assumption, because she was the one directing chores), was that the bag was too heavy. But why did our girl get so upset?
It was truly very simple. She had trouble redirecting and, for reasons I won't go into here, was primed to feel bad about herself as a result. It took some talking to get to the root of this. And it was mostly us reassuring her that she wasn't in trouble, we weren't angry, and we genuinely wanted to know how we could help.
You don't have to be raising a teen to be familiar with a person who thinks of challenges as unsolvable. My girl is prone to hopelessness in her responses, and this was no exception. We were still able to help. Here's how:
(1) We listened. She had a lot to say. When it comes to reactivity, the root is almost always an inability to see beyond right now. Letting her talk it out allowed us to provide context.
(2) We did that by repeating what we heard her say. Primarily:
- She felt overwhelmed.
- She was afraid to ask for help because she thought we would be angry.
That reflection let her know what she needed. Also that she knew what she needed.
(3) She just needed us to reframe it for her. We said, "Hey, it sounds like you were overwhelmed because you were asked to do something that was too hard for you. Did you know that you can ask us for help and we won't be mad?"
This was not news to her, but she did need the reminder. Once she heard that again (this is not the first time we've had this conversation), she was like, "Oh, yeah." From there we were able to take the next step of suggesting what we parents can do to support her in the future.
(4) We asked her if it is okay for us to make sure we allow her to complete the task she's working on before we give her another.
She relaxed. A lot. She'd been fidgeting and crying and feeling under attack. Our request to help her in a meaningful way that reflected we heard her made her feel secure.
This is my primary goal as a parent. And it's a tough one for me right now because I'm moving away from my kiddos. Their dad has primary custody for various reasons he and I mutual agreed upon when we divorced. Now I will be seeing my kids just as much, but further between visits. While I will still be able to listen, reflect and comfort through the magic of technology, I won't be able to give them hugs as immediately. I'm very grateful I've worked as hard as I have to build trust with them that I will be there and care regardless of whether or not they are physically with me.
What are your tricks for creating trust as a parent?