So much happened the last days and although I'm sad and a bit all over the place I thought it might help to write it down. I actually started this post yesterday but had to stop, couldn't write it down.
Maybe today. We'll see.
A week ago, a little squirming something appeared on our upper terrace. It looked a little alien like, naked and with skin that seemed too big for the tiny body and light blue blobs where the eyes should be.
But obviously baby mice look exactly like that, and so we figured it must be a baby dormouse, for we know that there are some (many) dormice living on the attic.
Magically it had survived the about 2 metres fall from a hole in the roof!
I was torn between letting it lie there on the terrace, hoping that its mother will come back, or taking it inside and care for it.
So an hour of research about dormice and dormice babies followed. Both me and my man weren't sure what was the right thing to do. We don't wanna mess with nature, but we also didn't want to just let them die there on the terrace! There are lots of lizards and birds around that could easily catch them and it also was a very hot day.
Then after a while, when I went upstairs to check on the little guy again, there suddenly were two of them!
Which didn't make the decision easier at all ^^
I don't know anymore how long we've waited (and how many cigarettes we smoked in the meantime) until we finally decided to take them inside with us and try to nurse them. Maybe a bit over an hour.
We researched even more about baby mice, reading on other people's experiences, on what and how to feed them.
(It's not always beneficial to read too much on the internet though, it actually got me pretty worried because there seemed to be so much that can go wrong!)
So this is how it started, we've made our decision.
I still don't know if it was the right thing to do, for I know there's still dormice living on the attic, who could care much better for the little ones than us humans can.
But that's how it is now.
We tried our best, feeding them carefully, cleaning them after they had pooped, giving them warmth and a lot of love.
Sadly, the day before yesterday, one of them didn't want to move much anymore, wouldn't eat either and it didn't take long until he stopped moving completely.
The little guy died in my hands where I had tried to warm him.
This hit me quite hard, more than I thought. I'm very sad. I didn't know I would develop such strong motherly feelings for two little baby mice.
It's so hard to look at the (hundreds of) pictures we took of the two and I actually try not to because I don't know how many tears I have left in my head.
I've decided to take on the responsibility and try to be their Mum, but I'm a human and I actually don't really know what I'm doing. Just trying the best I can. I just wish I had done better.
We have different speculations on what could have happened, but we don't know for sure. All we can do now is learn and try to do everything even more right with the little one that's still with us.
So life is a bit out of order at the moment to be honest.
We both don't get much sleep, getting up every three hours to feed and clean the baby, and obviously I'm not good at power napping at all, lying in bed half-awake most of the night, instead of sleeping.
During the day we also try to get everything ready for moving into the van again and out of the house, that we were house-sitting for the last 10 months. The next chapter of the journey is around the corner and we're not sure where it'll take us.
I also have to fight my worries all the time, there could be something wrong with the little one. I'm even dreaming of weird accidents.
It also happens a lot that when I'm half awake I think I hold him in my hand. But it's so dark and I'm afraid to drop him or loose him in a fold of the blanket, until I realize that I have been dreaming and the baby is still safe and sound in it's nest.
Strange times.
I'm so tired and sad and worried, I'm actually surprised that I was able to get my thoughts organized enough to write this post.
But it indeed helped a bit to write it down for you and for me and my future me as well. This post got quite emotional, but I'm gonna publish it anyway. For archival reasons.
Although this past week and these uncertain times in general sometimes put this to the test, I believe that everything happens for a reason and is part of the plan. So I try not to judge or question the plan.
We can grow the most during the hardest times if we're open for the lessons and don't loose our trust in life.
Thank you so much for reading.
Much love. Ana <3
all images by me