Black Roses...

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The last time I sat where I currently sit, I did not have the courage nor strength to dig my heels into the ground and say “I will not do this any longer”. No, instead – I created situation so unpleasant it literally forced the hand of change – and NO I do not regret the outcome, only the fact that I did not have the courage to do it standing up on my own two feet. I promised myself I would never allow that to happen again, being diminished and reduced to someone and something that felt so worthless… having to “coward” myself out of a space I no longer wished to occupy. I fought hard to retrieve, recoil and reclaim myself – a state I now protect fiercely, much like a lioness… and for as long as my heart continues beating I will fight for my personal right to live out my years in a state of happiness. Self-preservation, perhaps it something which comes into light with age and experience… who the fnck knows… but as hard as it is to do this – I will!

There are only so many ways in which you can put something together… and when you have tried them all and still failed, you have to beg the question – do these pieces even belong together?! Perhaps you have pieces of puzzles from completely different pictures that will simply never fit into slots not matter the force or will - Acceptance.

Unless you are the South African government, you don’t drive a vehicle, ignoring all the signs of attention required – smiling and laughing all the while and when the engine eventually seizes, the wheels fall off and the body is rusted beyond repair you stand, hands up in the air and look confused?! No. You heard the noises from the engine, you saw the rust and you could feel the wheels wobbling - the reality is - you chose to ignore them for as long as it took for them to break…too little, too late.

Honestly, I did not think I would see myself here again. But here, I am. Does it hurt any less… not really... am I better equipped to ride the wave? Yes. Am I going to dissolve and disintegrate? No. So many years, so many signs – signals and I ignored them all. I am DONE! Done ignoring what is in my best interests (as well as that of my son) and simultaneously DONE with entertaining and accepting ANYTHING or ANYONE for which there is an apparent disconnect of any kind! – Life is short! Now, I suppose it becomes a where to from here... guess I will be "winging it" from here on out.

I am a big girl... and sometimes in life you just have to wear those fncking panties. Today was one of those days for me! Being a mother does not help really, because you have to paint it brave no matter WHAT you feel! There REALLY is no teacher more brutal than parenting. Suck it up, brave up and arrive to the party completely untainted! Sure thing - can we pour the wine already?! lol!

Today was NOT easy, but it had to happen. It is always easier to take the easy way out - but that is why people end up unhappy.I just don't want to do that anymore. I don't want "comfort zones" and "existence"... no, I want to love and feel loved in return! I want passion, appreciation and LUST for life! I think I have found it... it is just around the corner.

❤❤❤

Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea

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