writing to you from a place of grief

"But what is grief,
if not love persevering?"

- Vision, quote from tv show 'WandaVision',
line written by Jac Schaeffer

I feel the few photographs I took,
and the words I have chosen, is not enough.
But allow me to try,
in the hopes to lessen this loneliness I'm feeling,
grieving the loss of someone I loved dearly.

My lola (grandmother) died on the night of September 19, 2021.
My lola had an acute heart failure that sunday afternoon,

I rushed to the hospital as soon as I heard the news.
She was in an emergency room
separate from the ones they had for suspected covid patients.
A swab test was taken just to be sure.
Nonetheless, we were still not allowed anywhere near.
She was already unconscious when I arrived,
with a lot of machines already aiding her, nurses in PPE,
the first thing I saw was her feet from the clear glass window by the door.

I kept on updating my family online who wished to be there but couldn't
because of the travel restrictions.
Together we kept praying for her.

We prayed for a miracle.
When her condition was becoming more and more unstable,

seven nurses took turns trying their best to pump back life into her.
Half an hour or so after, they declared her gone.

We waited for the swab test result taken earlier
before we knew if we will be allowed to go near her lifeless body.
An agonizing hour after,
the test results came back negative.
We were briefed and disinfected, wore PPE, doubled our face masks,
face shields worn, before we were finally able to be near her again for just a few minutes.

Inside the emergency room, I was still having trouble
wrapping my head around all of it.
My body was in auto-pilot,
my heart numb, in shock, and in pain.

At midnight, we were on our way to the funeral home.
Around 4am, she was laid in a white coffin with gold accents.
I spent the whole week at the funeral home.
I didn't sleep much the first two days.

A lot of our family relatives and friends shared their heartfelt sympathies.
The wake was until Friday; interment on Saturday the 25th.
That Saturday night we went back home still processing everything,
with only one thing certain,
home is never the same.

I grew up in my grandparents' home.

At a young age, I didn't know the reason why my parent's separated.
Why they left us.

As a kid, I learned to understand that my situation
is not like most kids my age.
My childhood cut short for I needed to mature.
In the process, I didn't let anyone get close to me
when I was coping with the situation I was in,
even a few members of our family often times misunderstood me that time.
I was in survival mode.

My lola found a way to get pass through all the walls I've built though.
She became the warmth in my darkest days.

The day after she died, it slowly opened up a lot of emotions I have bottled up.
The warmth I knew from her was gradually fading.

My heart is leaking ever since her passing.
As much as I want to act tough around my family,
a tear or two manages to escape my eyes.
Few seconds in, I'm no longer in control of my emotions anymore.
Silent cries at night of
loneliness and sadness.
A recurring emotion all throughout my life.

I miss her so much.
I'll keep missing her 'til my time comes as well.

i love you mommy lola.

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